alternative lacking..

is a good thing? i guess sometimes closed doors point(think force) you in the right direction. hahah. Sometimes i find it a little embarassing when i find it so difficult to listen to directions especially with the relative peace and stability i enjoy. but then again, on the flip side, the alternative is tempting sometimes, but not fantastic at all. there would be no one to break my fall, no one left to blame as well. ahhahahah.

and who will give you strength when you're not strong?

but who will watch over me when you've gone away?

you say you care for me.. you hide it well.

i croak. therefore laryngitis.

this is quite amusing. i'm finally back on the blog. 'cos i've lost my real voice. hahah. nice. Haven't been out except to shout at the kids (hence the loss of voice) and to see the doc. The amoxyllin he prescribed not really doing anything for me (voice is still non-existent) and staying at home is really intensely boring. i've played all the games, read (and re-read) the papers, watched cable till it repeats for a different timezone, and slept till i get these low-blood pressure fainting spells. very nice. and as if to spite me (like a great big middle finger in your face), the weather's been terrific these past few days, but i'm stuck inside.

choices, comments and just plain crap.

so now i've done it. it's out in the open. like feathers scattered in the wind, there is no way to take it back. not that there's anything wrong with the 'feathers'.. i guess it's good to be accountable. you know, let your yes be yes kinda stuff.. someone once told me... when you're young, you want a job with adventure and excitement, but when you're older, all you want is a job where you can come home from at the end of everyday. i know, your identity is not in your job.. and it was definitely good to come out for a year and sort things out.. but now i think i'm ready. 'cos right now, ain't nothing going on here but mind-numbing work.

it's time to get some.

what's your excuse?

in racing, the little things count when you want to get ahead. i mean, besides the hardware stuff.. taking the rear seats out, starting with a half-tank, ti and carbon components all give you an advantage. so that's it for me, i'm pulling out all stops, plus, the mirrors are coming off. no more wasting time looking back..

apologies in advance if i do cut you off.. no mirrors mahh

she's the kind girl boys read about in magazines..

She is the one i see in my dreams.. Time's running out, gotta do it now.. She's the one i cannot live without.. yeah...

i'm ready to go in a minute, screw the mp3, there's no need for music.. out we go, and we're off into the cool night air.. smells of wet vegetation and a hint of burnt plastic.. it's quiet except for hadley purring away in the back, no obstacle insurmountable for us, as we cruise down the empty streets. all things become startlingly clear.. why didn't i come out earlier? wouldn't it be the same? doesn't matter what others say, i know her heart's cold as steel and she's got expensive taste.. and then there's that german heritage.. but hey..

you only get one shot, so make it count..

You might never get this moment again

the clock is ticking down it's the final round..

so tell me what is it that's stopping you now?

You never know unless you try

you'll only regret, sit and wonder at night..

rest? what rest?

after the mega crunch time, which lasted 2 months, and culminated in the surprisingly quick Final Assessment, i found myself going to school almost everyday.. ok, fine. let's get this Grad Show done properly. after running around like headless chickens getting the collaterals in place, blowing a GST rebate equivalent on display stuff and sitting in the freezing gallery every other day.. church camp! ah-hah! finally sometime to rest.....wrong!

i'm still pretty miffed that i missed the BSX race and was instead stuck in some monstrous 8hour jam on the NS highway.. anyway i think taking the coach is a bad way to start off a church camp. if you would just entertain my theory for a bit, i think will start to make sense. after spending 8hours sitting, eating, going to the toilet, and then sleeping, you'd be quite conditioned and inclined to do the same things, in the same order when you do arrive at camp.. something to do with pavlov's conditioning, conditioner or shampoo.. i dunno. end of the day, one thing i did learn from the camp is that i definitely cannot work in an air-conditioned environment for an extended period... why? because i fell sick..

so after a not-exactly restful camp, there was a brief respite, a day,where i thought i had beaten the flu/cold/bunged-up nose thing.. how did i spend it? i did a bit of driving (noticed i left out the lesson, 'cos i learned nothing), rushed down to school to get results which i already knew and it was all downhill from there.. flu came back with a vengeance..

somehow the fruit of my labor is not rest.. but more work. okok, not work per se.. 'cos they all don't pay.. which brings me to my last and somehow most frequent pet peeve.. money (or rather the lack of).. when told of my grades, my grandmother said that it was better news than striking 4D.. i don't mean to be rude but, i'd rather strike 4D now.. seriously. $4 seems to be quite a sum to me now.. don't get me wrong.. i am grateful that the $6.66 in my bank account has generated some interest and now my balance is up a dollar! not sure how i generated so much interest in a year.. but not much use to me if i can't withdraw it.. atms don't dispense coins the last time i checked.

it's quite ironic. on paper, i should have loads of time for rest. but in reality, these 'rest' periods just make the work snowball. and unfortunately, not the paying kind of work. and all these trips, just makes it hard to get a job, even a part-time one..

the system is broke.. IRs, CPF and GST rebates will not fix it.

the reason of doubt..?!??

the question is.. is it really beyond reasonable doubt? what if even the fundamentals can't be agreed on? the context? somehow we don't seem to do any conviction studies anymore.. curious innit?

are we not trusted to draw up our own conclusions or will our final convictions scare us?