so long maestro, back to my good old cebu companion

ashes to ashes

dust to dust; when you lose your stuff, try not to cuss.. man this really stinks. stinks of betrayal, reeks of cover-up. 

'what really matters is that we're trying our best' 

wow, i couldn't tell. i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but surely you can try more? i'm sure that if, certain people lost their stuff together with the rest of us, then the outcome and reaction would be a whole lot different. 

imagine going to battle and then news come that your homeland has been ravaged and there is nothing left to go home to. then imagine being told to continue to fight. sometimes, i wonder how we can win, when fools can be kings.

of course in retrospect, it really takes something of this magnitude to get you thinking about what really, REALLY matters to you. Why do i seem unfazed by losing everything? is that supposed to be good? or am i taking things too lightly? on the other hand, why am i unhappy with the 'response'? am i just blaming others, 'cos there's no one to blame? perhaps.

at the same time, i'm forced to put down, in black and white, the value of my things. how do you go about it? do you put down the amount you spent on the item? wouldn't it have depreciated? or how can i put a value to certain items that don't really cost much, but has great intrinsic and sentimental value to me? 

and then you compare the values of different items. why does the value of my PSP equal that of my clothes and shoes? is it really necessary to have spent so much on clothes? is the PSP really essential? i doubt i'm replacing the PSP anyways.

so after eight days without a bath, seven of them spent freezing my a** off at night and baking myself brown in the day, having lost practically everything, the only thing i was looking forward to was the five cans of VB i was gonna get with my last fifteen bucks, once we got back. which, btw, never tasted so good.

lucky lucky, you're so lucky.

in every single way. but somehow i'm not very thankful. some people ask me is there anything i'm unhappy about. and there it dawns on me. it seems real hard for me to be happy. truly happy. i know, i get all positive and try to be enthusiastic(much to the irritation of those around me, at times). but deep down, it's still same old cynical, overly paranoid me. how then, to be truly happy?

at first glance, it seems okay to be like that. but then again, surely it's gonna be affecting the people around me, working with me, under my charge. am i a good influence? what sort of values am i imparting to those following me? that kind of shit plays around inside my mind. and it's not nice. then of course another part of me says, who gives a shit? you did your best at the time. well, i'm responsible nevertheless, how am i to answer for their outcome? the rats in my head need a drink from time to time.. to just chill, you know? i suppose some people just won't understand.

i'm not sure about my priorities, i've lost sight of where i'm meant to be... 

and guess what? in the midst of this rambling post, i think i've got it. or rather He has taught my heart to see. i have relied on my on strength. which obviously isn't enough. all that head knowledge, all that sunday school, BSF, and whatnot. how could i not see?

the joy of the Lord is my strength. 

not one which i'd look back on fondly.

pissed off a couple of people. made others worry, unnecessarily. 

the joke was on me i guess.

well, sorry people. you're real cool being understanding and all. 

And rest assured, it won't happen again.