lucky lucky, you're so lucky.

in every single way. but somehow i'm not very thankful. some people ask me is there anything i'm unhappy about. and there it dawns on me. it seems real hard for me to be happy. truly happy. i know, i get all positive and try to be enthusiastic(much to the irritation of those around me, at times). but deep down, it's still same old cynical, overly paranoid me. how then, to be truly happy?

at first glance, it seems okay to be like that. but then again, surely it's gonna be affecting the people around me, working with me, under my charge. am i a good influence? what sort of values am i imparting to those following me? that kind of shit plays around inside my mind. and it's not nice. then of course another part of me says, who gives a shit? you did your best at the time. well, i'm responsible nevertheless, how am i to answer for their outcome? the rats in my head need a drink from time to time.. to just chill, you know? i suppose some people just won't understand.

i'm not sure about my priorities, i've lost sight of where i'm meant to be... 

and guess what? in the midst of this rambling post, i think i've got it. or rather He has taught my heart to see. i have relied on my on strength. which obviously isn't enough. all that head knowledge, all that sunday school, BSF, and whatnot. how could i not see?

the joy of the Lord is my strength.