paradise

here i am stuck indoors when the weather is awesome today.
dreaming of paradise..

enough

almost got me.. aha. nice try.
very impressed with the build up, sneaky and very well co-ordinated.
too bad the game is up. well actually.. thankfully, it is by grace.
i was blind but now i see.
time to focus on the important things.


my strength in life is, i am yours
my soul delights 'cos i am yours
you will on earth is all i'm living for


you are my heart's desire,
i live to know you more.


and that is enough.

everyday is a reminder

can't move. it starts to get dark. stuck in the mud, AGAIN.. and it's like, okaay 

i really don't have time for this... REALLY. 
okok i hear you. thanks for the gentle reminder, i know that i'm not home.. 
so yeahh okaay cool... 

actually, it's so totally NOT cool. like this is THE limit. i'm done. i tap out. 
i don't wanna do this. let's go home. think i've seen enough. 
it really is quite a sickening, incapacitating feeling.

i mean.. after all,

i wasn't made for here.

homesick.

strong words..

time off?

feels a little strange with so much time to myself. tried to sleep off my flu/sore throat thing. not sure if i feel any better. maybe i should be taking some time off. but it would kinda suck to spend that time sleeping.
very quickly it has already been three months back on the job. i guess three months is a good trade off for three shiny awards. a bit off a slow start, got to refresh myself on procedures. people tell me, don't waste time. not quite sure what the rush is really. picture's a little clearer. and then again it's not. if anything is certain, it's uncertainty.


now if we had all the answers, where would the fun be in that?

i think i'm done?

we got our advance pay. everyone's going out to party. the guys jio-ed me to join them. strangely thankfully, not interested. i guess this is good. hahhah. 


been trying to work on my thought life this week... esp since last week's lesson. somehow when you resolve to do something, at the time, i seems relatively easy to achieve. however, once the week starts, in the thick of it, somehow, it becomes particularly testing.


i guess it's good to keep growing.
your limits grow too.


but don't push it punks

you call

i heard you. i hear you still.. i know the paths are many, many look better than the one you're pointing out. at least they look that way to me. in my perverse rebellion, other options suddenly seem better than your choice.. it– the road, looks dangerous, slippery, dark and seems to be headed in the wrong direction.


but i hear your call. i know there's only one choice. 
i fix my eyes upon the prize, my head will not turn from it, neither to the left nor the right.


let's go!

His heart

slippery slopes

"we have grown in numbers, wealth, and power.. We have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. We have become too self-sufficient... too proud to pray to the God that made us!"


- sounds familiar? too familiar in fact. 
a bit of a conundrum really..

ah hah!

ok lightbulb moment... well, to be more exact, closer to vindication i would say. i knew there was something amiss.. just couldn't quite put my finger on it. you know the feeling right? it's like so close, it's just beyond your nose, but it's dark, so you can't see it. and then the lights (hence lightbulb moment) come on and...


ah hah!

running around to chase the wind

may sound like fun to kids. good exercise perhaps. 


another day has passed you by. another fork in the road. 
you are trying to move on, but you cannot bear the load.


with hindsight, it is obvious, the load is not ours to carry. 
we are quick to forget the giver, instead focusing on the gifts.
trying to do so much on our own, trying to do what (we think) is right..


the best medicine is often bitter and hard to swallow.
obedience is better than sacrifice.
oh great now i'm writing cryptically.. i am really getting old.

whatever is true..

whatever is noble, right, pure, lovely, whatever is admirable...

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

i guess every once in awhile, i still catch myself worrying about things of this infuriating world. things which, we're oft told, are admirable, of value and therefore of utmost importance... only one small teeny little problem. i think we like to take all things spiritual and unexplainable out of the equation. we chase after the gifts and not the giver. we rationalize that it's ok because everyone else is chasing after these things. we grossly misplace our faith in achievements, possessions, relationships.

see the things we look up to as 'ideals', like things that are noble, right, pure, etc.. are called so, simply because it is impossible to fully uphold such values in a fallen world on our own effort. ever get told off for being too idealistic? nothing wrong, sometimes as citizens of heaven, we make 'lousy' citizens of earth.

i'm no model citizen myself. but i think the key is to recognize when i'm chasing after the wrong things and to refocus on the right stuff. plus, when nothing seems to be going right, remembering the admirable, excellent and praiseworthy things certainly helps.. 

instead of mulling over the present short-comings.

the road to hendon

they gave you the end, but not the how..

or rather, i did. i'll give you the end instead. hendon or bust man.

aaand so, the wait begins.

so what if i'm an intelligent, fit young man?

so what if my Certificate of Service said that my conduct & performance was 'outstanding' ?

so what if it's my dream job?

so what if it'll require me to sacrifice time with loved ones?

so what if you're making me go one big round to get to where i want to?

so what if i missed selection? i'll just go for the next one.

now if you desk jockeys would just giddy up and get on the ball.

seriously man, how is it that i'm still stuck with:

first in, last out -.-

yes

there definitely is a place for positive reinforcement.

everyday i see my dream.

yes, it's on and poppin

yes, the party's rockin

yes, the cuties jockin

and there ain't no stoppin

c'mon now

stop being such a tease man. don't be giving me that look now. seriously. i know it takes a special kind of... well, i think the correct word would be, psycho. i mean, seriously guys i see it in your eyes. i don't need a 'challenge'.. geez. that's for self-absorbed losers. psycho isn't quite far off. Like how many people are you gonna find, like me, who'll accept 'normal' as going up in a plane and not coming down in one?

in fact, you know what? what's really 'challenging' me is the absurd amount of bureaucracy and referrals, bouncing me from place to place. not to mention the forms (we somehow never agree). somehow, i sense that the level of interest isn't anywhere near mine.

now why would a highly motivated individual be made to feel like that?

i know it won't be too long..

in the whisper of the wind's soft lullaby, in the laughter and the roar of the rushing tide.. i hear you.

i don't care how outdated i am, i still think this song is fantastic. i know i don't really like homegrown musicians, but yeah.. trust is certainly a priceless commodity in these times. i mean, you do know that you can't go on forever guarding [what you think is] your own turf, relying on your wit and guile to out-guess others. certainly that is not living. but then again, on the other hand, you don't wanna look like the gullible idiot who fell for it.. so much for not passing judgement eh? hahah. some people say any decision is better than no decision, but i'm not completely convinced..

the response is definitely key.

so i'll give you my heart and my song..

in a world where so much is right, but so much is wrong

your love is my beginning and i know it won't be too long

till i see you,

till i hear you...

i so do not need this

like from you guys of all people? seriously? like only when i make it then you say to me,

ohhh we're so proud of you.. blah blah, never doubted you.. yadda yadda.. my foot!

it's times like these where i just wanna give it to you and say:

told you so..

but to all the detractors and haters, doubters and sitting on the fence people, i'm just gonna let it slide.. not because i don't suffer fools. but simply because, you were right.

i could not, and would not have done it, without God.

now if you'll excuse me,

i have unfinished business to attend to..

impossible is not a word

it's just a reason not to try. however, willingness is nothing without effort. and of course unless the good Lord blesses, the workers labour in vain. but seriously.. sometimes it is a real pain trying to figure out what is lacking. interest? effort? or my vision was wrong in the first place?

or is it all just me trying to reason it out? 'impossible' in another form? i know some people are good at casting vision and setting goals, whilst others are expert at making those goals happen. but was the vision correct in the first place? sometimes, there can be no peace with questions like these.. then there's nothing more to say but, like that lor..

whatever the case, you're not gonna find me lacking in willingness or effort. and then you gotta go drop the "obedience is better than sacrifice" bomb.. but doesn't obedience require sacrifice? okok, now i see why i still can't contextualize (see contextualies hahah). it's true,

sometimes it's easier to be right and so much harder to be wrong