reflections..

are laterally inverted FYI. ok still as lame as ever. just putting down some things that i've been mulling over of late..

how is it that it is sooo difficult to process your application to an organisation that supposedly needs people? of which, former employees often discourage me from signing up.. despite them knowing that it is my dream job..

how long does it take to recover from laryngitis? seriously man.. this is taking forever and i'm fearing the damage is permanent.. the novelty of being 'rocker' sounding is beginning to wear off.

what's new about news when you've already suspected it to be true all along? are we just looking for some sort of vindication? or affirmation?

why the hell does my shoulder still ache? can i pop it out and then put it back properly?

Happy New Year.

serious okaay..

yeah. it's getting serious. i'm beginning to grasp the full extent of what it means to fight to maintain your freedom. plus, taking every thought captive, is no mean feat when you've got a fantastic imagination like mine. but nevertheless, through the trials and changes, One thing remains.. of which sometimes, i neglect to be thankful for.

Sometimes you only want to 'hear' the things you want to hear... and only 'see' the things you wanna see. but ultimately, there's only one Boss with a plan.. The Plan. perhaps i've been listening to 'the misinformation' for too long... accepting it in my ignorance. alas, the fiery darts have somehow upgraded into incendiary bombs. i guess i should console myself that i've levelled up? funny how easily i am discouraged by the present and forget about your faithfulness.. in some sort of weird sense, i think the only way forward is looking back. makes sense?

oh well, go figure.

keeping still.

and staying focused is so hard to do when you mind's entertaining doubts. or when your heart's racing. i know, i know, i spoke too soon. Just as i said i wasn't worried, the fiery arrows of doubt whistled in and ignited. classic man. i even began to doubt whether i even sent in my application. champion right? i just wanted to confirm everything.. like now. like geez, stop being such a tease man. i could always call up people, who would know someone on the inside... but the Word came through.. and i think (i say think because i don't wanna do it) it is to wait. suddenly that stupid hymn in the school hymn book makes sense now.

trust and obey.

yeah. you stutterin.

uh-huh. guilty as charged ma'am. geez. man. how is it that i feel guilty about neglecting spank, but not when i don't do qt? serious warped values there man. yikes. ok on a more serious note. finally done with the job. time really flies and i've still not got a job.......yet. hahah. not really worried about my next step 'cos it's pretty clear to me. enjoying waking up late again. think i just might revive Operation Get-Big again. and regular quality qt. there. said it. so i guess that's a commitment huh?

can't stutter when you type yeah? :P

wassup!

alternative lacking..

is a good thing? i guess sometimes closed doors point(think force) you in the right direction. hahah. Sometimes i find it a little embarassing when i find it so difficult to listen to directions especially with the relative peace and stability i enjoy. but then again, on the flip side, the alternative is tempting sometimes, but not fantastic at all. there would be no one to break my fall, no one left to blame as well. ahhahahah.

and who will give you strength when you're not strong?

but who will watch over me when you've gone away?

you say you care for me.. you hide it well.

i croak. therefore laryngitis.

this is quite amusing. i'm finally back on the blog. 'cos i've lost my real voice. hahah. nice. Haven't been out except to shout at the kids (hence the loss of voice) and to see the doc. The amoxyllin he prescribed not really doing anything for me (voice is still non-existent) and staying at home is really intensely boring. i've played all the games, read (and re-read) the papers, watched cable till it repeats for a different timezone, and slept till i get these low-blood pressure fainting spells. very nice. and as if to spite me (like a great big middle finger in your face), the weather's been terrific these past few days, but i'm stuck inside.

choices, comments and just plain crap.

so now i've done it. it's out in the open. like feathers scattered in the wind, there is no way to take it back. not that there's anything wrong with the 'feathers'.. i guess it's good to be accountable. you know, let your yes be yes kinda stuff.. someone once told me... when you're young, you want a job with adventure and excitement, but when you're older, all you want is a job where you can come home from at the end of everyday. i know, your identity is not in your job.. and it was definitely good to come out for a year and sort things out.. but now i think i'm ready. 'cos right now, ain't nothing going on here but mind-numbing work.

it's time to get some.

what's your excuse?

in racing, the little things count when you want to get ahead. i mean, besides the hardware stuff.. taking the rear seats out, starting with a half-tank, ti and carbon components all give you an advantage. so that's it for me, i'm pulling out all stops, plus, the mirrors are coming off. no more wasting time looking back..

apologies in advance if i do cut you off.. no mirrors mahh

she's the kind girl boys read about in magazines..

She is the one i see in my dreams.. Time's running out, gotta do it now.. She's the one i cannot live without.. yeah...

i'm ready to go in a minute, screw the mp3, there's no need for music.. out we go, and we're off into the cool night air.. smells of wet vegetation and a hint of burnt plastic.. it's quiet except for hadley purring away in the back, no obstacle insurmountable for us, as we cruise down the empty streets. all things become startlingly clear.. why didn't i come out earlier? wouldn't it be the same? doesn't matter what others say, i know her heart's cold as steel and she's got expensive taste.. and then there's that german heritage.. but hey..

you only get one shot, so make it count..

You might never get this moment again

the clock is ticking down it's the final round..

so tell me what is it that's stopping you now?

You never know unless you try

you'll only regret, sit and wonder at night..

rest? what rest?

after the mega crunch time, which lasted 2 months, and culminated in the surprisingly quick Final Assessment, i found myself going to school almost everyday.. ok, fine. let's get this Grad Show done properly. after running around like headless chickens getting the collaterals in place, blowing a GST rebate equivalent on display stuff and sitting in the freezing gallery every other day.. church camp! ah-hah! finally sometime to rest.....wrong!

i'm still pretty miffed that i missed the BSX race and was instead stuck in some monstrous 8hour jam on the NS highway.. anyway i think taking the coach is a bad way to start off a church camp. if you would just entertain my theory for a bit, i think will start to make sense. after spending 8hours sitting, eating, going to the toilet, and then sleeping, you'd be quite conditioned and inclined to do the same things, in the same order when you do arrive at camp.. something to do with pavlov's conditioning, conditioner or shampoo.. i dunno. end of the day, one thing i did learn from the camp is that i definitely cannot work in an air-conditioned environment for an extended period... why? because i fell sick..

so after a not-exactly restful camp, there was a brief respite, a day,where i thought i had beaten the flu/cold/bunged-up nose thing.. how did i spend it? i did a bit of driving (noticed i left out the lesson, 'cos i learned nothing), rushed down to school to get results which i already knew and it was all downhill from there.. flu came back with a vengeance..

somehow the fruit of my labor is not rest.. but more work. okok, not work per se.. 'cos they all don't pay.. which brings me to my last and somehow most frequent pet peeve.. money (or rather the lack of).. when told of my grades, my grandmother said that it was better news than striking 4D.. i don't mean to be rude but, i'd rather strike 4D now.. seriously. $4 seems to be quite a sum to me now.. don't get me wrong.. i am grateful that the $6.66 in my bank account has generated some interest and now my balance is up a dollar! not sure how i generated so much interest in a year.. but not much use to me if i can't withdraw it.. atms don't dispense coins the last time i checked.

it's quite ironic. on paper, i should have loads of time for rest. but in reality, these 'rest' periods just make the work snowball. and unfortunately, not the paying kind of work. and all these trips, just makes it hard to get a job, even a part-time one..

the system is broke.. IRs, CPF and GST rebates will not fix it.

the reason of doubt..?!??

the question is.. is it really beyond reasonable doubt? what if even the fundamentals can't be agreed on? the context? somehow we don't seem to do any conviction studies anymore.. curious innit?

are we not trusted to draw up our own conclusions or will our final convictions scare us?

ETA

when you find yourself on the floor, propped up by the sofa, ice pack on your knee, feeling the bump, right next to the bald spot, on your head with one hand, remote in the other, and grumbling that there's nothing good on telly.... yep.

i have arrived. ohh yeah.

oh ye of little faith!

every once in a while, i never fail to give myself mini heart attacks... because i try to solve things all by myself. take today for instance. after weeks of scrimping, i finally had saved an extra fifty bucks(the first time in 12 months).. and then, i busted my cheapo cane creek (creak) S8 headset.

no one seemed to stock the S8 and i was fuming at the exorbitant prices of FSA (heavy and expensive shit) and Chris King(really expensive shit)... even blamed ben for bouncing his heavy ass on my fork, the other day, for the loose headset (shhhh don't tell ben!).. and i have to get my bike ready by saturday for my school project reshoot, which btw is self-funded (more $$ to spend on misc shit)... and of course i like owe the whole team2 dinner for going AWOL for jamming last week(don't ask)..

anyways, as it turns out, there was nothing wrong with my headset.. i just made an ultimate noob of myself by tightening it wrongly. reshoot is looking to be a no-shoot. and i had enough to pay for dinner.

now what was all that fuss about again?

imma be anti-convolutionary!

i've had it with this drama. how is it that my words can be misconstrued into such convoluted nonsense? since when did it become uncool to reminisce and speak what's on your mind? how did it become so hypocritical that all we've left is to pick from the lesser of evils? how is it that people love putting down things that they don't understand? since when did we become so blissfully disconnected that any dissent is shrugged off? i'm not being ungrateful.. while eternity will be perfect, thought i'd bitch about things while they're broken.. now don't you go twist my words with your convoluted minds! well.. now that i've thought about it, i couldn't care less..

life's just too short.

don't sweat the small stuff

it's been a good break. rebuilt the jumps. test rode the YOG track. got a nice pint of dunkel. KO-ed for the whole of wed because of swollen eyeballs, recovered, did a bit of revision at the 'bowls got my hair cut. finally, registered for BTT, working on the motion graphics.. just, no shoot.

got the transport, no riders. got riders, no transport. good weather, no riders and no transport. brilliant! today was the best day for shooting no doubt. sunny, windy and fantastic weather all round. a good workman never blames his tools, i just blame the weather. don't even get me started on the post-pro problems. i know, i know, one step at a time...

just not really into pacing.. can't we fast march this one?

check please!

i do not believe in bad luck.. but this is ridiculous. sprained neck, flu, conjunctivitis (that's what the doc said, but i'm sure it's a relapse of the old condition)... and to complete the royal flush, sprained neck. oh yes, and whilst applying oil to my neck, jabbed my good elbow on the pointy bit of my cupboard handle so hard that i exhausted all my hokkien expletives in 5 seconds. oh yes and don't even get me started on the mosquito situation in my room.. i woke up the other night and thought i was outfield! this is ridiculous.

the best revenge is living well i guess.

yeah chew that!

disconnect.

sometimes the lifeline of the cellphone becomes a leash around your neck. and in some cases, a noose even. it opens up our world, yet shrinks it. it gives you the impression that you can communicate on your terms, but in reality it imposes its terms on you instead. it breeds impatience, bombards your brain with electro-magnetic waves, and as much as it helps you connect with others, it disconnects you from reality.

people blast off texts with little thought. gone are the days of careful consideration of the letter-writing era. when you see a registered contact call, you assume immediately it's the contact. gone are the greetings and authentications.. who is really on the other end?

is it really so necessary to text that you are on your way home? not everyone had a telephone before cellphones, and don't tell me that they sent letters before telephones to herald their homecoming.

if two friends wanted to meet and one was late, the other would just wait... patiently, not knowing if the other was going to turn up. no need for a "i'm gonna be late" text. and of course the late one would be forced to be punctual the next time. oh no, i got better things to do.. really? like window shopping? (aka wandering around aimlessly) how important is that? if you really had something urgent to attend to, you'd go off and do it.. the other person was late after all. the way i see it, cellphones just give us more shit to worry about. why you never answer my call? why never reply my sms?

now everyone just goes around thumbf*#king their phones.

it's time to disconnect and reconnect with what's important.

fair warning..

is never fair. it is usually slightly colored with pre-meditated malicious intent. this kind of 'fair' is perhaps more comparable to the kind of 'fair' you wouldn't want to get for "conduct" in your school report book. and warning is just another fancy word for 'threaten'.. which is not very fair to boot. plus, no one ever tells you they're giving you a 'fair warning' before it goes down. very often, 'fair warning' suddenly comes out on the post bust-up report... now that doesn't seem to tally with the dictionary's definition of fair..

some people are seriously delusional. thank goodness we live in the day and age of CCTV and video technology to disprove people's delusional memories. sometimes there is no choice but to discredit others... especially when their account of how things went is so grossly discolored by the delusional glasses they're wearing. really spooks me how unreliable the human brain really is. emotions affect memory and perception. makes you wonder about historical accounts pre-video era..

even in this era of video and film, some say planes, others say kites, people who are into anal probing say UFO. amazing. medical procedures which are excruciating to some, barely hurts for others. what some think to be a tiring workout, in reality is just a thorough warm-up.

or maybe i got it wrong. i've been doing three workouts in one go, i was in so much pain i was delusional and thought it wasn't, there are anal probing aliens, violent video games lead to violent behaviour and i'm a monkey's uncle.

seriously man. sometimes you can't turn the other cheek..

especially when the other dude's got a shovel.

i won't sugar coat it.

this is my neverdropthiskindashitonmeagain threat.

cool guys don't look at explosions.

the more you ignore it, the cooler you look. yeah.. finally a song that encapsulates the essence of why sometimes it's better not to look. and sometimes, you ain't walking away victorious, but the not looking helps yeah? sometimes i do wish i wasn't so stubborn and just drop it.. but i think i secretly love the fight.. yeah.. i know surrender doesn't mean you lose.. but i'm not looking back as i walk away... that's for sure.

the round card girls were cute though.. :P